Lux Lucis in Obscurum

Unexpected Plan

2012-02-19T13:21:00.000-08:00

There's a joke that has an important message. How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans.
So far in my life, my plans and God's have matched. I want to be a writer, and as my brother told me recently, I seem to be pretty good at it. I want to go to one college so badly that I pray every day for an acceptance letter almost to the point of tears. Friday, part of God's plan became obvious to me and I was completely thrown by surprise.

I am doing an online Bible Study with a group of kids around my age and young adults. We come from different states and some of us live in Canada. We all met through our favorite band, Manic Drive. The band members are administrators of the study along with a young mother who made friends with the band and started our Bible Study, Prayer Group, and friend group (for us to just chat). After the first few days, I was the only one commenting and saying my thoughts and views on the daily readings our teacher, Jodi, was posting for us to learn from. Jodi contacted me, she told me that this was the first Bible Study that she had taught and that my comments were very encouraging to her and that I was catching stuff that she was missing. I expressed how much I was enjoying our Bible Study. A few hours later I was staring at her reply, unsure if I should cry or scream. " If you'd like you can do one of the chapters studies for the day :) just let me know if you'd want to."

Me teach a lesson? I just got my faith back roughly two years ago! I don't know the books of the Bible and I have no Bible verses memorized. I've never been to church camp and only one concert. How the heck could I teach about a whole chapter of Proverbs to people I've never met? I just looked at the computer screen, part of me really, really wanted to do it. I love our online lessons, tearing apart the verses for any secrets God hid within for me to find. I loved posting my findings for my teacher and friends to read and tear apart for themselves. I even liked it when they proved me wrong on certain issues, but could I really teach a lesson myself?

Unsure of what to do, I reached for my phone and texted my brother at college, Ayden the son of my pastor. "Well, I think God is asking you to do something for him that would also help you as well." He replied within minutes. "I wouldn't pass it up. What are you nervous about?"

I told him my fears and doubts, but even then I knew I would take up Jodi's offer. God wouldn't have put this before me if he didn't think I could do it. I had no cause to be nervous. Still the back of my head tittered back and forth. At least until Ayden texted me again. "I'm going to tell you what my dad told me. It's not you who's speaking or even influencing them. It's God who's doing the talking. The disciples didn't know their scripture either, but God spoke through them." That did it, I typed a reply to Jodi immediately saying I would be interested in taking one of the lessons if she would like me to. Ayden continued to talk to me, saying that I couldn't be that surprised by Jodi's offer. "I'm just saying you've got a way with words." He added, which gave me more strength. If I was actually meeting these people, chances are I would fall over from stage fright, normally I have no problems with talking in front of others, but this will be the first time I've done it over the Bible. All I have to do is type my thoughts over the chapter and post them for the rest of the class to see. As Ayden put it, it was "a good starting point."Although, I did start to panic a bit when I read that text. Starting point? Oh boy.

Jodi messaged me back and we agreed that I would take over the lesson for Proverbs chapter 20 when we reached it (we're going through the whole book, one chapter a day). My pastor had a huge grin on his face when I told him this morning at church. I still can't believe that I'm actually going to teach a lesson. My stomach has been fluttering since last night, though that may be due to the Girl Scout Cookies and peanut butter cups.

While I'm very nervous, I can't wait to reach chapter 20. Teaching a Bible Study lesson was never in my plans, but it was in God's and I'm sure he was laughing when I opened that message from Jodi. I can't help but laugh at my reaction with him. Was I really stupid enough to think that I knew what all was going to happen? This was completely unexpected, but it's still part of God's plan.

My Brother Tristin

2012-02-17T09:20:00.000-08:00

I first met Tristin when I was new to the Insane Asylum. His father was one of the doctors that I had for two different theropy classes. He was aslo incharge of the plays that the Asylum put on, in which I was involved. Tristin often would run errands for his father and one day stopped by my mother's room to chat as he knew her from his time at the Asylum. He was considerably taller than I was and when he walk into the room and glanced at me the first thing I thought was Oh my gosh, he's going to kill me. That feeling was insisifed when he started asking me about the play, and a trivia team I was on that he had also done. After a while I got used to his visits, but I rarely said anything other than "Mom's in the workroom" or "Your dad wants to know if you can pick this up for him." One day he was talking with Mom and I made a snide comment. Mom laughed, Tristin stared at me, grinnin and said "You should hang out with us more often." I was flattered but confused. His friends scared me almost as much as he did. At the same time I was pleased that he, a tall lanky young adult that walked with confidence, wanted to hang out with me, an uncool newbie with frizzy curly hair and glasses.

That night, my parents and I laughed as we remembered the tall tales my parets used to tell to keep me and my sister in line. When we acted up Dad would get in front of us and say "Do you remember what happened to your brother?" We would get confused and say "We don't have a brother." Dad would reply "Exactly." and walk off. Mom later began threatening (jokingly) to sell us to the gypies to join our brother in slavery if we misbehaved. It worked, we lived in fear of gypies and wondered what our missing brother looked like.

Tristin continued to wave at me when we saw each other around the Asyulm and I stayed after school to help him and his father with the stage equipment for the play. One day after school, he walked into my mother's room saying "How are my little sisters?" Meaning me and my sister. Took us for quite a loop. Mom started laughing and explained how she and Dad used to keep us in line. After that, Tristin backed her up, saying he had been searching for us for a long time. I asked him teasingly what happened to the gypsies, but he wouldn't say. Ever since then, he's been my brother.

After a while we really started acting like siblings. He has tickled me in the past, tried to pick the lock on my bedroom door when I tried to escape. He has logged in to my laptop (although we'll see what happens next time he tries that). We even fight like siblings. Pokes turn into slaps when we watch a movie, we share books and go to Ren fairs, and group get togethers. We even fight over a chair in the livving room, which is still on going. He gives me advice when I need it, and nocks some sense into me when I'm being stupid. We disagree on a lot of things, but we still have a lot of fun together (like the Rubber Band War, or singing songs about moonshine in a bookstore under our breath) and I am glad to have Tristin for a brother.

The Wave of Fear

2012-02-13T23:54:00.000-08:00

I wrote this when I was sixteen. It really needs to be worked on, but at the same time it feels like a completed tapestry (at least to me). It was uo here earlier but I took it down because we were worried I'd lose the copyrights. By this point, I think that spreading the word is more important.

I know what you dream of. I know what makes you wake in the middle of the night. You start suddenly and find cold sweat dripping off your forehead and hands. Your heart is beating faster than it ever has before, and you are deathly afraid, afraid to go back to sleep; if you do, the dream will come back. Yet you find yourself living out the same dream over and over every waking moment of every day. This causes you to panic: is there no escaping the living nightmare you are drowning in? Even when you are with your friends, goofing off and laughing till you cry,
the dream is still there. It is at the back of your mind, eating away at it until the very air seems heavy, and you can no longer enjoy being with your friends. I know what you dream of, because I have the same dream.

In this dream, you are standing on a plain. In the distance lie pale green fields, sapphire blue skies, and trees of the darkest green velvet. The sunshine falls through the white clouds in strands of silken ribbons. Your hopes and dreams lie within your sight. They are just out of reach, but there is no reason to worry. You have only to take two small steps, and they are yours. Eternal
happiness and love is within your grasp, and there is nothing to stop you from having them.

As you reach out to take these hopes and dreams, to treasure and be yours forever, the landscape changes. You are still on a plain, but the sky is black with malice. The trees are gone, and the grass you were standing upon has withered, dried, and turned to dust. You turn to see those precious hopes and dreams have moved so far away you can barely see them in the distant horizon. You can never reach them, for between the dreams and you is a wave.

This is no ordinary wave, no seawater or spring water, only the water of fear. This wave of fear holds all of your pain: physical pain, and spiritual. You can see nothing but the dark, poisoned waters of your waking life. No sunlight, no blue skies, nor the faces of loved ones. There is only the wave, drawing closer and closer with every second. Every mistake you ever made, every wrong word you ever said, everything you ever did and regretted, is in that wave. They form the foam that floats on the waters of your suffering. The wave of fear comes towards you; once it reaches you, you will drown. There is no hope for survival, none at all. You want to scream, yet the wave scares you so much you cannot make a sound. You are afraid that if you do, the wave will find you all the sooner, and it will take you into itself. There you will be surrounded by
darkness and stripped of all hope and happiness. You want to run before that can happen; yet the wave is moving at such speed that no living thing can escape its sight or grasp. The urge to scream and run grows until you feel you can no longer control your fear of what awaits you. Your feet are stuck to the ground, and you cannot turn away from the doom that is coming for you. Now the fear of the wave grows, and your heart beats faster than any living creature's. You wake up just as you start to turn to run from the wave.

I see by the look on your face that although you are glad to awake from the dream, you wonder what would happen to you if you had slept on? I have had this dream too, as I said before. I ran, just as you did. That wave scared me, and it still does. I ran until my feet were bleeding and every step felt like running on hot coals. My breath grew shorter and my lungs burned till I thought they would cease to work. All of my energy and hope, I poured into the urge to run from my wave of fear. I was so scared of my fears (and I still am) that I had no other thought than to get as far way from them as I could. I ran until I hit a wall. The wall was too high to climb and went on forever in every direction. I was trapped, and the wave was still gaining. In my fear I tried to climb the wall, but before I could do so, the wave caught me.

At first there was a rush of sound, then all was quiet. I was surrounded by darkness; there was nothing to keep me afloat. I was lost in the fears I had created, and there was no way out. No one was near to save me, and I knew it. I was alone, alone with my fears and pain. Insults I had born in my waking moments, every one of them came back to haunt me. Freak, witch, stupid, outcast; all these and others much worse that I had ignored and laughed off all my life pounced upon me in those waters. At their nonexistent mercy, I lost hope. There was no one to turn to, only the
whispers in the dark waters of my fear. Try as I might, the wave won, and all my hopes and dreams were shattered. To this day, I am still picking up the tiny, fragile pieces of what remains of them. In that wave, I was no longer myself. I was a freak and an outcast, someone whom no one liked or cared about, someone no name, no talents, someone unloved and lost. Those lies became my bitter bread and water.

This is what you are going through right now. I can see it in your eyes. You are lost in that wave of fear, just as I was. You believe that you are an outcast, a freak, someone with no gifts to speak of. The hopes and dreams you had have been broken and scattered. Those who told you this have beaten you down, and there is no one to pick you back up. You are alone in not only a wave, but a
world of fear, pain, and darkness. Nothing can be done to stop you from fading into the background until you cease to exist all together. You have become a shell of your former self, and the light that was in you has been snuffed out by the wave of fear. Nothing can bring you up to your former glory and happiness. The wave of fear is all that is real; the rest of the world is a lie, and you will drown in it, fading into nothingness till the end of time.

Despite the hopelessness you feel doomed to; you need not despair. There is yet a single way to escape, if you should choose to take it. I did, and all you have to do is ask for help. There is someone who loves you and feels all the pain and fear that you are going through. He will find you and lift you out of the wave of fear, just as he did for me. He will dry you off and wipe the tears from your face. He knows exactly what happened in those dark waters, and knows that you will carry the weight of that burden for a long time to come. He will say nothing but what you need to hear, and, when the time comes, he will take the burden from your back and lead you to a place where you can heal.

He did this for me, and I know he can do it for you. You have to let him, though, and not try to go back to the wave that has become your life. You may shudder and think to yourself why would you ever want to go back to that realm of darkness, but you are doing that very thing right now. You are still convinced that you are worthless and have no talents. This is not true. You have
wonderful gifts that only you can give to the world. The one who can save you from that wave of fear gave those talents to you. He will save you and care for you, but your story does not end here.

The wave of fear is still waiting, and you have to face it. The only way to win it is to walk through that wave to a land better than the one that held your hopes and dreams. It will be hard, long and dangerous. You will fall, and the wave will take you down into the poisoned water several times, but it must be done. Two paths lay before you: to walk through that wave and keep going no matter how hard it gets, or to refuse to take that road. Should you choose the latter, the wave will take you again and this time there will be no escape; you will sink to the bottom and fade until you are smaller than a single atom, still in unspeakable torment. The first choice will be harder in some ways; it is easy to give in and let the wave win. If you keep going, the road will be harder than anything you can imagine. The darkness will fight to take you back, and will throw everything it has at you.

That thought scares you. I can tell by the look on your face. Let me tell you a secret: I too, am afraid to walk through that wave of fear. I want to run and hide just as much as you do, but there is no choice. A wall you cannot climb lies behind you, and hiding from those fears would be unwise. If you do, you are doomed to drown in that wave, and the effort to rescue you would be for naught. Unless you want to be sinking and drowning as your destroyed dreams drift away, you have to walk through that wave of fear. Yes, it is hard and terrifying. You will suffer on the way, but you don't have to do it alone. I am here, and I have to walk through that wave as well. The wave is still there, but it isn't as bad if you have a friend beside you.

I'm not the only friend with you. There is another, the one who pulled you from that wave when you were drowning. He is with us no matter what happens. I can't lead you through that wave, both of us will be blind in that pain and fear. He is the one that knows how to get through the wave, holds a light so that we may follow. Should we trip and the darkness pounce upon us, he will come to our aide and get us back on the path. Any injuries we receive, he will take away
and make us whole again. He will lead us out of that wave of fear and into a place where we can be safe. Our loved ones will be there along with others who have gone through the wave of fear. We will stand in the light and will belong to our Father and will receive his love beyond the end of time. The sun will shine, and we will feel the breeze on our skin. There will be nothing that we lack; we will remain there beyond the end of time, and there will be no death. We will be in a place where dreams come true.

Before we enter the land where dreams come true, we have to walk through that wave. It is still heading for us, and we must face it. You will not be alone; I will be with you, and the one who saved us will be there. We will fall, and the wave of fear will win ground at times, yet we must not give up. He loves us and will take us to the other side of the wave. We have only to take his hand and follow him to the journey's end. I have given him my hand, and I don't want to leave you behind. Come with me and take his hand. We have an adventure ahead of us. Place your hand in mine and step forward. It is time to walk through the wave of fear.

If You Really Knew Me

2012-02-11T07:17:00.000-08:00

If you really knew me, you would know that I am not only one
thing. You cannot label me as a bookworm and shove me to the back of the nerd drawer like the tube socks your great aunt gave you. I am more than another name in your contacts list. Each label you place on me is a part of the puzzle that forms me and when you put it together, there is no tag, name, or label that can describe who I am.

I am nearsighted, like my parents and grandparents before me. I have my dad’s blond hair and my mother’s wit. I am the third generation of my family to attend my high school.

I sleep with a sword next to my bed. Yes, I named it after a sword in Lord of the Rings. No, I can’t use it; yet.

I hold myself back in English. The desperation to ask questions, answer them and discuss the subject in class overwhelms me each day. I don’t give in, because I can see the looks exchanged when I make a connection that others cannot understand. Some days I feel like I don’t learn anything in my favorite class, but I still hold myself in. I do it because when my classmates
in math answer and connect the problems, I’m holding back tears and praying for the strength to understand this equation that puts me in my classmates’ position in English. I know what it is like to be lost in a room of learning geniuses, and I don’t want to be that genius if the cost is my classmates.

That choker I wore with the garnet pendant on a black ribbon? That ribbon is actually part of an old black shoe lace I found under my bed.

I am God’s child. When I say “Dad” I mean the man who helped bring me into this world and played dolls with me when I was little. When I say “Father” I mean the one who knew me before my parents had even met.

There is a model of a frost dragon hanging above my bed.

I have been bullied, and I am strongly against doing it. Yet the comments you make about the boys that called me names till I cried makes me sick. Who are you to judge them? Do you not know how far they have come since their days of pre-teen tyrants? Do you not see them holding the door open for that girl over there? Just as there is more to me than meets the eye, there is
more to them. I love those boys just as I love you.

I want to burn my parodies that made Writer’s Hall of Fame. They were awful.

I have a hard time seeing God’s hand in my life. Some morning I moan and hid under my bed till I can talk myself into getting up. On bad days I hold back the frustration, anger and hurt back by the edges of the tears coming out. Those are the days I pray during class, in the halls, at lunch, and on the school steps. Those are the days writing and reading even fails me, but God never will. At the end of the day I let the tears escape into my pillow. I am comforted by the thought of God sitting at my desk, Jesus on the foot on my bed, the Holy Spirit on my head board, Gabriel at my window and Michael leaning against my door.

I name stuffed animals after my family

I live for the weekend, when the stress vanishes for at least a few days. I keep my sanity by reading and meditating over my Bible every morning, praying constantly, attending my online Bible study and prayer group after school and the weekly FCA meetings. Those meetings have helped me grow as a Christian in ways I had not thought possible.

When I stare off into space and then start to laugh randomly, I was thinking of the time I spent with friends or laughing at a joke God has just revealed to me.

I am disgusted by the sexual content you discuss at lunch and in class. I am horrified by the insults you throw at our classmates and the gossip you spread. How can you do something that harms yourself and others so much? Can you not see that you are making things harder only for yourself? We hang out nearly every day, you are so much more than that. I hate what you are doing, but I love you. Are you so blind that you can’t even see who you are?

Yesterday I did not notice that I cared so much about the gossip, conversation content.

Yesterday I was not aware of how much time I spent thinking about God.

What do you see when you look at me? A bookworm, a Christian, a classmate, a nerd? Do you really know who I am? How can you when I learn more about myself every day? The only one who really knows me is God. What do you see when you look in the mirror? Are you a student, brother, sister, parent, a child of the Father? Are you happy with your true reflection, have you learned to love it as God does, or do you even look at the mirror? Do you know who you really are?

Paradox

2012-02-02T17:28:00.000-08:00

This post is going to prove interesting as I'm trying to type around our elderly orange cat. He likes to sleep on my lap with the laptop because of the heat. I apologize for any spelling mistakes and the poor grammar. You can blame Schuster (no, he's not named after the publishing company...I think).

Recently I started reading The Circle Series by Ted Dekker. As soon as I opened to the first page, I was sucked in. I read it whenever I had free time in class and when my fellow ward mates and I got locked out of our Sociology class (our doctor was late). I had a bit of a shock when the Roush (white bats) said their names. Despite reading fiction and learning to pull Christian elements out of several books I was not accustomed to the idea of portraying angels as bats. When one of the bats started jumping up and down in joy over romance I lost it. I laughed till I couldn't breath, one of my ward mates thought I really had gone crazy.

The further I dove into Dekker's world, the more excited I became. Not because of the plot or characters, although both are extremely well done and witty, but because of the way he retells the stories I grew up with in Sunday School. Black tells of the garden of Eden and Red covers the story of Christ. White is a story of converting people to Christianity and the tale all little girls love: a princess doomed to marry a villain until a dashing hero comes. I used to act that out with dolls, stuffed animals, and my sister when I was six. The fact that the princess in this book has a huge library only made me enjoy the book even more. Today I was bouncing in my seat at the way Dekker combined Elijah's "competition" with the priests of Baal with Abraham's sacrifice of Issac. The whole time the written words wound me tighter and tighter, I kept thinking it's ok, the kid won't die, Elyon will stop it any second now. If I hadn't had been in class I would have screamed when the boy died. Five minutes later I couldn't stop grinning when the boy was brought back to life.

Another way that these books intrigue me is in the circle or paradox that Dekker suggests we live in.It is the idea of us having free will in Heaven to worship God. That would include choosing between good and evil therefore making Heaven the same as the garden of Eden. Meaning that we are in a cycle/paradox/circle (ha ha) that repeats itself over and over. Heaven/Garden to living in the "desert" to Jesus's death to becoming the bride to Heaven/ Garden. I was a bit disappointed I had that figured out by the time Gabil and Micheal rescued Thomas at the beginning of Black. What else can be concluded when they mention they are the future to the modern day world and the world they are in is clearly the Garden of Eden? I used to wonder about that same circular reasoning when I was 12 and it is refreshing to know that I'm not the only one who thought about that. Still love the books, but it is a bit of a let down to figure out the ending that fast. At the same time it is an interesting concept to think about, if disturbing to say the least.

What really got me is that there is a smaller paradox inside the large one. I've seen this kind of circular idea used in science fiction but this is the first time I've seen it in fantasy (assuming The Circle counts as fantasy). I've never considered having two different, yet connected, circles in one story. Makes me wonder what else I've missed or over looked when it comes to my own writing.

Sacrifice of Love

2012-01-30T18:00:00.000-08:00

Recently my church began to do a twenty-one day fast. My youth class decided to give up one or more of our hobbies and habits. Honorary older brother, Ayden, gave up his video games. My dear companion at school, Mae, gave up facebook and texting. I gave up restricted myself to read only the Bible and to do no writing besides what was needed for school. I started on the first day of second semester and went on from there. When my classmates found out about it, they all stared.

"Now Lizzy, be serious." One senior tried to reason with me. He has been my friend since we were ten. He knows that I read to escape, to draw strength from the characters; to learn how to be a better writer and to gain more understanding of how the world around me works. This boy understands that writing my fiction stories is how I process what happens in my life and that it kept me sane during my rough time away from God.

"I am serious." I meant it. What better place to gain strength and understanding than from God? How would I be able to hear what he said if I had my ears stuffed with wax?

"Wow, Lizzy, you're crazy." A dark haired girl points her finger at me eyeing me carefully. I used to play house with her on the playground. We've never been very close, but to her I'm the daughter of two teachers who has had her nose in a book since second grade. There's a look in her eyes that startles me. Yes, she really thinks I've gone round the bend. However, the way she looks at me holds more. She's in awe that I'd be willing to even try this fast, I can see that she respects me.

"I'd never be able to do that." Another girl I grew up with shakes her head. It startles me. I've never really been part of the group. I sit with them at lunch, but for the most part I do my own thing. We don't hang out outside of school and the clubs we participate in are different as well. Her grades are above mine and I've always felt shabby in my old black jeans and red Wal-Mart blouse compared to her outfits. Sometimes I felt she looked down on me because of my eagerness in English and Viking-like hair. Yet here she was, giving me a look of pride and respect.

I shrug, not sure what to say. "Anything is possible with God." All three of them widen their eyes further, anymore and the eyeballs may fall out. "Plus it's just books and a pen." The eyes shrink a tad, but I can still feel them watching me as I go back to the video I'm making for class.

A week passed. I had no problem with not touching the shelves of fiction that reside in my room...until the books I ordered over break came in. A leather bound edition of The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis and Ted Dekker's The Circle Series. I was tempted, but as soon as they were out of the packaging they were on my book shelf next to The Lord of the Rings.

By the second week I noticed changes in my behavior. I had more energy, physically I felt the same as always. Spiritually I was jumping up and down like a toddler on soda. I had a few free classes. While the others were playing games I opted to read my Bible. I studied First Samuel, Esther, Ruth, most of Daniel, and parts of Job, James, and Genesis in those classes. It was a very good learning experience. To top that off, I gained more patience with the classmates that I normally have the urge to strangle. I saw them differently and grew to love them. My love for God seemed to explode and I swear I could feel his hand on my shoulder when I walked down the hallway (no, it wasn't my backpack).

During my last week, I had a surprise. Part of what I had been praying for was that my classmates would become closer to God. Suddenly the friends I mentioned above were praying and discussing Bible verses on Facebook. They still said that I was crazy, but every time they ask if I was still fasting, I could sense their excitement and the pride when they explained to the teacher why I wasn't reading my favorite authors in my spare time (I tried to tell the teachers, but they beat me to it). To top it off, one of the girls walked up to me with a huge grin and a glow of joy. She told me she was fasting by giving up Facebook for a week. I wanted to hug her and cry for joy (unfortunately even a hug breaks the PDA rules and can land you in ISD).

I gave up my books, paper and pen for God. In that time I began to understand just how much he loves me. Jesus gave up his life for me, why can't I show my love for him by sacrificing my other loves? Even now that the fast is over, I'm still learning about the Father's love. The Circle Series continues to open my eyes and heart. I can feel my mind turning over these new ideas and comparing them with parts of the Bible to make sure Ted Dekker's words match. They do, and a few issues I have always been confused on are starting to make sense. That doesn't mean that I can't continue to to my part in what Dekker calls "The Great Romance" and turn over what I have (pen, tongue, heart and mind) to my Lord.

I am Afraid

2012-01-26T18:31:00.000-08:00

I am a student.
I am a sister, daughter, cousin, a granddaughter and a friend.
I am a Christian
And I am afraid.

I am scared of the responsibility about to be placed on my shoulders.
I am terrified of the power at my disposal.
Not the idea of my strength, but of me myself.
I am afraid I will be irresponsible.
I fear I will misuse my power and gifts.
I tremble at the thought that I will disappoint my friends, family, and teachers.
I cry at the thought that I will let my Father in Heaven down.
I’ve done it before, when I had no responsibility,
when I did not understand myself.
Now I do know who I am,
what is hidden in my heart scares me more than anything.

I have the potential to hurt my friends worse than before
I have the strength to cause permanent damage to the world I live in.
I am ignorant to the world of adults, which will lead to many mistakes.
I sob into my pillows at night,
because I know I am not ready and not mature enough to go forward
But I don’t have a choice in the matter.
This new and dangerous power is being forced on me whether I like it or not.

I am terrified, and I don’t know what to do.
I can only shake as this crown I do not want is being lowered upon my head.
My tongue fails me, I can’t cry out for help for fear others won’t understand
For fear I am being stupid for fearing this.

There’s a voice in my head, "you silly girl."
A laugh, yet one of love and comfort,
but I still weep in terror. "I’m not ready for this."
"That is why I know you are ready," the voice replies as I fall on my knees.
"I was scared too."

A image comes to my mind, a man praying in a garden,
pleading for a way out of the path before him.
The fear in my heart is reflected in his eyes.
His lips barely move as he asks that the Father’s will, not his, be done.
It is the sacrifice I must make.

A hand slips into my own, but when I look, no one has my hand.
"You would not be receiving this power if I didn’t think you were worthy."
A breeze blows; it feels like someone is wiping the tears from my face.
"Don’t worry, I’ll be with you. You don’t have to do this alone."
The sunshine seems to enwrap me in a hug, one that gives strength.

I am petrified with fear that seems to grow with every second.
But I’m not alone.
A hand squeeze in the dark, a hug that whispers I love you at night.
I am not ready in my eyes, but I am in his.
I am a classmate, a student, a friend.
I fear what I am able to do,
I am loved, for a voice tells me I can do more than misuse power.
I am able learn to use power correctly
I am a daughter of God
His will, not mine, be done.

Field Trip

2011-11-23T16:27:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my ward mates and I were let out of the straight jackets to visit a college library...It was rather interesting. It involved my going from the second floor to the basement and vise virsa three times on those steep steps (that you can look down through and see people on the lower floors) before I saw the elevator. The moving bookshelves in "The Lower Level" (sounds ominous to me, but that's what the map said) were very...purple. As the rest of the place was gray green and varying shades of white, some of my fellow ward mates just stared and blinked at the sudden color exposition. Yes I made the shelves move, and no I didn't shut someone in there. I thought about doing it to a certain ward-mate (who should have been named Loki) but after one of the younger girls tried to do it to our "Professor", I didn't get a chance. I helped some fellow wards find their books (after I figured out how the shelving worked...).

During lunch on campus, one of the girls my age gasped and kept telling me to look behind me. It was a college boy. Tall, pale, with black messy hair and the slight attempts of having a beard. "Oh, Lizzy" She looked at me and back at the poor kid. "Isn't he perfect? Oh...he's beautiful. Lizzy, he's god-like." Her eyes were glued to the boy who was trying hard to study his book. "Oh, college boys are so much better than the ones at the Asylum. He's god-like. Lizzy, can you imagine what our kids would look like?"...I have never been so embarrassed in my life.

After lunch I checked out the writing center, but mostly I sat at a desk and tried to scribble down a few ideas. When I came back to my group's study room on the second floor, most of my ward mates were back. One came in with her eyes bugged out, eyebrows up as high as they could go and she was bouncing, ever so slightly, as she stood there. Every once in a while her head, arm or shoulder would twitch. She had drank two cappuccinos and was almost finished with her large Mountain Dew. I was afraid we would need the emergency straight jacket we kept on the bus.

Ten minutes later, I checked out the books I needed from the massive library and climbed onto the bus. Ten minutes from the Asylum we had to stop at a small feed mill because cappuccino girl had to use the bathroom... Once back at the Asylum we were sent to join the ward who had not gone in the last therapy session of the day. I walked in there, saw wards talking, sitting and laughing. Cappuccino girl and one of the boys from the trip came in, later than I was. The boy shuffled his feet, dragged an extra chair next to the one in front of me and placed his bag on the table. He looked at me, "I'm so tired. I slept all the way back." This said, he collapsed on the chairs, curled up and went back to sleep. Cappuccino girl started talking at a hundred miles per hour and tried to wake the sleeping boy. He groaned, and she sat on him. I got up and went to the professor in charge of the class. "Can I go to the library?"

I Am

2011-11-12T09:44:00.000-08:00

I am a teenager in a small town.
I am a big sister to Rose.
I have two poems in Writer's Hall of Fame and at times I wish I hadn't written them.
I have been a victim of bullying.
I became convinced God didn't care and became a 'Sunday Christian' as a result of the above.
I tried to draw strength to go on from books instead of God.
I have blamed others for things I did, and honestly thought it wasn't my fault.
I hid (and still do at times) in a mask/shell and never let the real me out.
I learned to never trust anyone and to never show my emotions.
I have wanted to get out of my life.
I have been found by friends I call my siblings.
I have left my old friends, but betrayed them when they only wanted to know me.
I have begun to attend church with friends.
I have scared my classmates when I laughed during lunch for the first time in three years.
I have had a wake up call and gained my faith back after attending a Manic Drive concert.
I am still struggling with my faith
I am still trying to forgive myself for past mistakes.
I have gained forgiveness from the friends I hurt.
I am still picked on at school.
I am the repulsive girl who is a virgin
I am the freak with all the answers in English
I am filled with pride when I see my former bullies care about their grades and stop hurting others.
I am the weirdo who doesn't hate the people who spread rumors about me.
I am the child who often fails to find hope
I am the sicko who can't sit still when the urge to write hits.
I am the girl who would rather write her prayers into stories than use my mouth.
I am the retard that uses fiction writing as a type of therapy when stressed or lost.
I am the witch who then edits those stories to help others and praise God.
I am still learning and I make mistakes every single day.
I cry in the shower, where my parents and sister can't hear me.
I pray mentally in class when the day becomes too much to handle.
I praise God my sister has never gone through what I have.
I am a virgin, a freak, a nerd, geek, sinner, mathematically challenged, alto who doesn't read music but still loves to sing, wanna-be writer, a Christian and I am proud of it.
I am a daughter of God

Music From Above

2011-07-17T12:53:00.000-07:00

Black skies appear before us;
Lighting hits the ground.
Trees groan in the wind,
creating a high pitched sound.
The rain batters down
upon a field mouse.

Lord Thunder brays and booms,
through skies run his hounds.
Lady Wind moves our favorite tree
with a never ending wail.
Major Rain takes attack!
His loud hammers hit the house.

Hush little one,
You are safe here with me.
Listen to the rain.
Can you hear it start to leave?

Silver clouds shield the skies
from our human eyes.
The trees wave to one another,
in a dance made by our father.
The rain creates a veil
between the world and us.

Hush little one,
and listen to the song.
Listen to the music from above.

The World We Live In

2011-07-15T15:33:00.000-07:00

We tell our children little lies until they are old enough to find the truth for themselves. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and so forth. At some point they want to see Santa and find out that Daddy is the one is the suit. They wake up to see Mommy has one hand under the pillow around the tooth and coins in her other hand. They are upset and are hurt at being lied to. After a while they get over it and forgive you. Why do parents willingly hurt their children like this? They do it because their parents did it to them and it is part of childhood passed from parent to child. Yet even at that young age it breaks the trust between parent and child.

Some parents tell their kids that there is no Santa right off the bat. They write "To Timmy, From Daddy" instead of "From Santa". After this the kids pretty much can tell that the gift from Santa is from Grandpa, even if he denies it. They saw the gifts being brought into the house, and children are not that gullible if they learn the truth from their parents first. This strengthens the trust between parent and child. Especially when the child sees his or her friends being told by other parents that a jolly old red man gives them gifts. That child sees that his or her parents are more honest. The only backlash with this is the fights the child can get into for saying Santa is not real. The other kids will go home from Christmas service convinced that your five year-old killed Santa (I was that five year-old...). My point is that kids will trust you if you are honest, and they will not trust you as much if your lies are revealed (and they always are).

There is one lie that all parents try to keep. Most don't even realize that they are doing it. They are simply trying to protect their children from the truth; for truth hurts at times, and this is one of the darkest truths of all. The lie we tell out children is that this world is a good world. Be fair to others and they will be fair to you. Good people are always good, bad people are always bad. The bad guys that murder and steal are always caught and punished. This lie lasts longer than Santa or the Tooth Fairy. It is possible for children to keep believing this lie until they are out on their own. Even when the truth knocks them to the ground, they will cry and cling to the lie until their parents, friends or teachers take them aside and explain it to them.

The truth that is hidden from us is this, we do not live in a nice world. The villains of this world escape more than they are caught. The people we consider to be good have made horrible mistakes, and are not the people we make them out to be. This planet is not fair, kind, merciful, or loving. You may treat others with fairness, and forgiveness, but that does not mean you will receive any back. We live in a world of darkness and pain. There is no light. What makes this truth even worse is that the world is like this because of us.

It is our own human nature that make the world the way it is. Everyone has a temper and no one can truly control themselves. Everyone has greed and envy of others. There is not a single person on this planet who does not feel jealousy. We radiate more darkness, pain, and cruelty than any other race on the planet. It spreads from us with every action like a fog. Our world is covered and consumed by this fog. It has even made it's way into our thoughts, our dreams. Have you never wanted to tear someone to bits because they hurt you or a friend? Do you mean to tell me that you have never given a person the cold shoulder when he or she beat you at something? Did you never wonder what would happen if that person was never there? Nothing is free from the dark we have created without thinking of it.

The atheist writer Terry Pratchett said that there is no justice, and no mercy. He was right. Christians tend to ignore or spit on anything that an atheist says. I think we should listen to them more (with a grain of salt...or three). They often see what is wrong with Christians and the world better than we do at times. Mr. Pratchett was correct to say there is no justice or mercy; that is because we made it so. However, just because there is none now does not mean there never will be. There is no justice and no mercy in this world, unless we bring it in.

As I said earlier, we live in a world of darkness. It can become something better if we start a light in a world that has none. We can bring relief to the fog of pain, and kindness to the smog of cruelty. If you don't like the way the world is and the way you are treated, don't sit there. Don't complain and try to have your revenge like a petty two year-old. Stand up and do something about it. Light a fire in the night and spread it to those who cannot see. Heal the cuts people have from walking blindly. Show kindness and mercy to those who have only known cruelty and hardships.

The question is how. How do we spread the light. How do we make this world be the world that our children expect? A world of love, forgiveness, and support is the opposite of what we have. Will a place of evil expect good? No, of course it won't. To them we have to play by their rules or leave. If we try to light a fire, they will put it out and beat us down to within an inch of our lives. This will happen over and over until the day we die. Each fire has sparks though, sparks that will land in the hearts of our tormentors. Sparks grow into flames, if we tend to them. If we keep trying, there will be a change in the world.

I have already said that the darkness in the world is our fault, a part of our human nature. To light a fire, we must first keep it lit in ourselves. Our worst enemy is not ourselves, it is the darkness. Yet that darkness has been in us since birth, so it seems as though we are fighting ourselves. It is hard to drive back the shadows, but you can do it. The main thing is to stay strong and to not give up

When a man hurts someone close to you, don't go after him. Do not call him names (whether he is there or not), do not tell others and treat this person badly. Leave the man alone and tend to your friend. Comfort him or her, and help their fire grow and burn brightly. In doing so, your own fire will grow and you will forgive the man for what he did to your friend. If you do this, your friend will see your actions and will follow suite. The man will be unhinged by this and will not understand it. He may very well try to harm you and your friend again. This is because he expects you to be angry and to try and retaliate. He wants to show how powerful he is by punishing you for coming after him. When you don't, he will do all he can to make you. Under no circumstances should you raise to the taunts. Remember that he has no light and is acting as a puppet for the dark. If you show him love and kindness, you will place a spark in him. Later, others might give him their own sparks and a new fire has been lit in this man's heart.

It is hard to light a fire, but it is better than staying in the dark. It is better to tell the truth than to tell a lie. Lies creates more darkness, the truth creates a fire to show the way. The fire of truth can and does hurt at times, but it's light can also show us the wound so that we may heal it. Parents want to have there children live in a world of love and light. As a parent, do you tell your child the truth and show the child how to turn the hate into love? Would you take the child into the dark, so that he or she may see the light? Do you show your child the way out of the dark, or do you lie? Do you tell your innocent child that everything will be alright? Do you hide your child from the dark and from the chance find the light in the darkness; or do you show the child the world we live in and what it can become?

Wednesday Quotes

2011-07-13T09:20:00.000-07:00

"Fear kills everything...Your mind, your heart, your imagination." -Inkheart

The Real Narnia

2011-07-07T15:40:00.000-07:00

Today my sister and I watched The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Once again we were swept into the world of Narnia that our mother first took us to when I was six or seven. My sister rode on Aslan's back to the White Witch's castle. I watched as Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy made their way to the Beavers' dam. The world of Narnia is one that has held the hearts of children for generations. They cry and laugh with the characters that mean so much to them. More than anything, we all wish to see Narnia with our own eyes. Now most of those who read the books know fully well who Aslan is and what he means when he tells the children he has a different name in our world. Yet the reader who knows that Aslan died for Narnia as Jesus died for us and that Aslan's name here is God still longs to be in Narnia. We still want to dance with the fawns, talk with the dryads, and learn to fight with the knights of Narnia. Christianity seems to be so much simpler there. The truth is that it is just as hard there as here. People fall, make mistakes, turn away from the truth, suffer for doing right, loose all they have and die in Narnia as much as in the real world. It just sounds better and less dark in those books because we are not really there. We are observers and cannot easily get inside the minds of the people in books. You cannot understand why Susan forgot Narnia completly unless you have forgotten Christianity. Everything is more obvious in books than in real life. Most of us distrust the White Witch as soon as she turns up in the book. C.S. Lewis made the line between good and evil plainly. In real life it is blurred and covered in a fog. Yet the signs and warnings are the same there as they are here. You just have to keep an eye open for them, or you will miss them. Nothing is spelled out for you as it is in books. The same evil is in Narnia and in this world. The same God as well. There may not be magic and fairies, but there is still a real deep magic, although it is not so much magic as it is power. You can have your adventures and battles with the White Witch and other villains. However they have different names here. The story is still the same though. The world of Aslan is real, you just have to find it inside yourself. Walking into your closet will do no good, the forest with the street lamp is all around you. You were born into it, but today it is called by a different name. I believe in Narnia, do you?

Wednesday Quotes

2011-07-06T09:01:00.000-07:00

"That's right, cause ducks don't leave tracks."-Dad while driving during the early morning without sleep since the night before.

Summer Blues

2011-07-06T08:41:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I will stand outside and wave as the car pulls out of the driveway. My mother has to go to an Insane Ayslum that is rather far way. She will be back in a little over a week, but already we miss her. Dad has been rather clingy and my sister and I keep trying to follow Moum around the house. We will miss her very much, so will the cats. Schuster (our 12 or 13 orange and white male) normally sleeps with Moum at night in the basement bedroom. If she is not there he yowls and calls for her all night till his little throat is sore. Moum said I could sleep down there and try to keep him from missing "his woman" so much. I don't know if it will work, but it is worth a shot.

I am still blocked on my writing. The only thing I can write is a paper over the movie Labyrinth (the one with David Bowie). I have been meaning to write it for quite some time, but never got around to it. Still, I wish I could work on my book...

So here I sit at my desk, typing away while my sister sleeps in the bedroom next door. After this I shall do chores, read a book, and do whatever else comes to mind. We shall miss you Moum.

Summer

2011-06-03T11:21:00.000-07:00

The Insane Asylum has been closed for quite some time now and I apologize for not writing sooner. I have been rather busy of late.
The last day at the Asylum was a half day, so I was free for the afternoon. Aric came up to see me and we talked for a while. Then we went to the movies were we met Tristin. We watched Priest and enjoyed it very much. It was an excellent movie and I for one plan to buy it as soon as I can. After that we met with another one of our friends at a bookstore. We flipped through books for the rest of the evening until we had to go home.
A few days later we managed to get all of my friends together again. It has been a long time since I saw most of them, as they all attend various Extreme Insane Asylums. Tristin, Aric, Ayden, Chelsie and her boyfriend walked down to Tristin's backyard and started a bonfire. I went with my little sister as well...Tristin loves his flame thrower. The wood was wet and took a long time to light, even with the lighter fluid we poured on it. By the time the fire did start, it was too hot for smores so the boys took pictures, striking poses in front of the flames. Tristin even pulled out his claymore and a few other weapons for the shots. Ayden and Tristin almost burned themselves in the process. We walked back to my Grandmother's house (where the party was) and watched I Am Number Four with the others and then went home.
Sunday Aric and I went on a double date with Ayden and his girlfriend (my good friend Kayela). We left after church and went to see Thor. Yes I know, we watched a movie about a Norse god right after the Baptist Sunday Service. After the movie we ate at Stake n' Shake, then went our separate ways home.
Since then I have cleaned my room, and made it a mess again. Aric helped my sister and me take down the Christmas tree (yes we did leave it up that long). Aric and Tristin came over for dinner two nights ago and we sang Irish drinking songs in my bedroom for part of the afternoon (thank you, Gaelic Storm) We ate pizza and watched Tron before talking about the cartoons we grew up with.
When at home I have managed to write a letter to Michael Card and inclosed the only piece of my written work I am truly proud of writing. I have started another book manuscript and hit writer's block during the third chapter last night. I have read Harry Potter 1-3 and am almost done with the 4th one. My habit of baking when bored has returned and I keep having the urge to make more cookies. The one thing I really want to do is spend as much time as I can with Aric and Tristin. Those two boys can make me feel light hearted and carefree like nothing else can.

Teenage Purity

2011-05-01T18:40:00.000-07:00

As I have mentioned before, most of the wards in the Asylum are Christians, or claim to be. Their are a lot of girls who wear fancy sterling silver cross necklaces every day and we have a FCA club that meets each Thursday before school starts. The kids that come on a regular basis are taking their faith seriously and I am very proud of them, they help hold me and others up in times of trouble.

However that is a small percentage of the Asylum. The majority of the wards claim to be Christians yet act completly different. One of the biggest issues is that they are not staying sexually clean. It is never said out loud, but the way they speak and their hints make things very clear. I have been called a nerd and a freak because I said I was a virgin. One of my ward mates was asked if he was and when he said he was pure, the girls laughed and said that was "cute". Their are a lot of Christian youth at the Asylum that are teetering on the edge of leaving their purity. It is enough to make anyone sick.

It is worse to be a virgin girl at the Asylum than a boy. If you make it plain that you are a virgin and you intend to stay that way till the day you marry or die, you are an outcast. If you have a boyfriend it gets worse. The other girls can't see why you are staying pure if you have a significant other. You are mocked, teased, and labeled. Most girls that are virgins hide it and act like they are not. The attitude of the whole Asylum is that purity is something to be ashamed of. There are a few girls that are proud their purity. One ward mate and I ignore all the bullying we get for staying pure and having boyfriends. We laugh it off and go on. Another loudly shows her purity by throwing the insults back in the girls faces and bringing up why we should stay pure. We are the only three that I know of. There is another girl, but she hides it, despite the fact that she has a purity ring like the other two I mentioned.

I have know clue what the boys in this situation deal with besides the teasing, and I don't want to know. They deal with it by acting as if they were not pure. I am not aware of any boy who does not besides the one I mentioned earlier.

The worst part is that this frame of mind is creeping into the kids that were doing a better job of being pure. The FCA president is one of our classes most perverted wards I have ever seen (I noticed he has never addressed this issue in our meetings). Even among the virgin girls I am an oddity because Aric and I have been dating for over ten months now and still have not kissed. Only one other supports my stand on this and I owe that girl (Chelsie) a lot. She help me make it through our therapy classes without tearing any heads off. Yet, she is outcast as much as I am because she and her boyfriend made similar choices when they started out as a couple.

Overall, teenage Christians are under a lot of stress from supposed Christian kids. Most of them can't handle it well. It is a sorry state and I have to watch it happen day after day at the Asylum and go through it. There are times were it can make you stumble in your faith just walking down the hallway. This is something that needs to be addressed yet teens do not listen to adults. Other teens are going to have to step up to the plate and take control of themselves and show others the way.

Snow Days

2011-02-01T12:03:00.001-08:00

The Insane Asylum had to close for today and tomorrow. It appears the current weather makes it unable for our medications to be delivered. I have enjoyed peace and quite instead of screams and yells. My cell has been cleaned and I am being allowed to bake a little tonight.

Hopefully, we will have even more snow and I will be able to go sledding with Tristin. Aric has told me his Asylum has closed as well and we are both rather excited that we will get to talk to each other more over the glorious internet.

As I watch the snow fall I keep thinking of stories to write, problem is I have so many I don't know where to start. Sometimes I wonder if that is part of the flip side to writing. Either way, I would not stop writing for all the world. Nothing is completely bad or fully good. All things have a little of both.

Wednesday Quotes

2011-01-19T16:54:00.001-08:00

"They sell Jesus...in a box."
"Does he come in assortments?"
-Aric, and Tristin

This is what happens when Aric, Tristin, and I stay up too late. It took Tristin a while after he said the second quote to process what Aric had said. Then Aric got what he had said as well. I got what they both said, but was too tired and I couldn't get my tongue to work. I have a lot of quotes like this.

Christians and Jews

2010-11-02T18:21:00.000-07:00

Lately at the Insane Asylum there has been a lot of flack and jokes at the Jews expense (and claiming to be Nazis). As someone who is trying to follow God and be a good Christian, I have strong opinions about this. Normally, I don't have much of a temper, but when it comes to a few issues, I tend to lose it or get really close. Last year some ward mates talked bad about the Jews so much I was literally shaking with anger as I left the session and had to use any and all self restraint to not turn around and punch the daylights out of the main leader and yell at him for why he is wrong. Today, I had a different kind of ward mates making jokes about Jews and being Nazis, like it was something to be proud of. What really makes me lose it is that these ward mates are claiming to be Christians. It makes me so mad and sick, I want to cry and throw up. When it happened today, and came out of the mouths of the ward mates that seem to be doing better in their walk in faith than others, I nearly did barf from anger, and had to spend the rest of the session and the next two in prayer for them to stop and for me to keep my calm disposition and not cry, or yell at them and explain myself.

All of the ward mates at the Insane Asylum I attend claim to be Christians. Yet there does not seem to be very many that support the Jews. They all seem to have the same reason for this hatred. "The Jews killed Jesus." They all know the Bible stories, but I wonder how many of them actually paid attention to the whole thing. If they had, they would know that most of the Jews that shouted "Crucify him!" had been encouraged and made excited for blood by the Pharisees. They Pharisees were the ones that got most of the set up for Jesus's death, but they are not to be given the full blame either.

Jesus was sent to die for our sins. That is one of the most basic truths that Christians everywhere accept. He died for us, to take away our blame so that we could live. It is our sins, our wrong choices that put our Prince of Peace on that cross. The blame for his death is just as much ours as it is the Jews. The blame rests on everyone in the world equally, no one is excluded from that guilt. It is wrong for us to think so, and wrong to believe that because we believe in God we are better than the Jews.

The Jews are also God's chosen people. They have had his blessing from the beginning and will continue to have it till the end of this world. Just because Jesus came and open salvation to those of us that were not Jewish does not mean, God took his blessing from them and gave it to us. We should respect that, blessing, for we know as Christians, those that have God's blessing can get a lot done and are doing something right we are not.

There are Jewish Christians out there, but most importantly, Jews believe in the same God we Christians do. They have the ten commandments, their children grow up learning of Moses, David, Noah, Abraham, Issac, Daniel, Joshua and Elijah, just as our children do. They are more like us than most Christians would care to admit. Some of us keep counting them as enemies, but they are trying to serve the same God we are. In a world of darkness, we need all the friends and allies we can get, and not let small things separate us.

Look at what has happened to the Jews. They have been through so much. Jerusalem has been between rulers that don't belong to their ethnic group, when they built the city for years.. War after war has been fought over it, and their suffering for it. They have been kicked out of countries, mistreated in others, and don't forget about the whole WWII mess. They still follow the true God after all that. I think they deserve our respect and support for sticking to their faith when we fall so easily from it in times of trouble.

Most Christians have favorite Bible stories from the Old Testament. We tell our children about Daniel in the lions' den, Joshua and the battle of Jericho. Elijah and the burning of the wet offering. Here is a wake up for the Jew hating Christians. Those people were Jews. The heroes of old that we all love have Jewish descendants. When we spit on the Jews, it's like spitting on Moses.

The biggest thing of all, as Aric reminded me, Jesus chose to come to earth as a Jew. Why did he chose them over the Romans, British or Greeks? The Jews have had the great honor of having the son of God be one of them and grow up among them. Why did Jesus choose to be a Jew? I think he must have had a reason.

Catch Up

2010-11-01T17:25:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of writing, the light in the darkness was flickering for a time and needed some help to get it's strength back. Thank you Tristin and Aric for your help, Father knows I needed it for a while.

I got a great deal of work on my book done, rough draft of the 2nd one is done. It needs a lot of work before I can really do anything with it, though. I am proud that I got it written down at last. It took me long enough. :P

I spent Halloween night at home watching the new Sherlock on PBS. The night before was the town night for trick or treating. I went to Tristin's for that. We had him hanging from a gallows by a harness hidden under his shirt and Aric was a head in the "candy" container. I was the witch that killed them both. I told the kids that were old enough to be scared that the candy was in the container that had Aric's head in it (there was a hole at the bottom and in the table too, so Aric could stick his head in there while he sat in a tight position under the table). Aric would do an evil laugh and scare them. Then I would give them the candy, but for the ones that were really tiny, I just gave them the candy. Tristin would pretend to be a dummy and then say "How's it hanging?" (or something along those lines) when they walked past. A few people thought I was a statue as they went for the doorbell. We had a lot of fun, and had a lot of laughs. At the end, Tristin could not walk straight from hanging in the harness for several hours and his back was killing him. Aric's knees and neck were hurting from being cramped under the table, but we both think Tristin had it the worst. After I was out of the witch costume and Tristin and Aric had nursed their wounds, we went to my house and watched Ironman 2. We had a lot of fun and I wish Tristin would be back next year so we could do it again.

Wesdnesday Quotes

2010-10-06T05:21:00.000-07:00

"Right now, I'm eating scrambled eggs, with a comb, out of a shoe. The place is a pigsty, look. *Holds out phone as if to show the person on the other end of the phone*" -Black Books

Crazy and Calm

2010-10-05T16:38:00.000-07:00

It has been an interesting time for me. Lots of things are going on right now. The weather is getting colder, not badly, but fall is most definitely here. The Fall Festival we have having at the square is this Saturday and I am working a shift in a booth to help raise money for my ward mates in The Insane Asylum. Mom and I got blue spray for my hair...I intend to put it to good use for the booth. Show how badly we poor (literally) crazy little ones need to find new medications... on the other hand, I could end up putting ward mates in padded cells and straight jackets (if they don't have one already) and scaring people away from the booth....hmmm....

At the same time, I have to deal with The Insane Asylum on a regular basis. The doctors are doing their best, but the therapy is dreadfully boring...I am counting down to the release time from the moment I step in there. The food is like nuclear waste with cardboard on most days. I want out, what I won't do for a way out.

Tristin went out of town for a while, so I was asked to take care of his dog while he was away. Abbey is a sweetheart, and I love her, even though I normally hate dogs. She was so happy to see me when I came by to see her today. I had left her outside all day as per Tristin's instructions, but she must know how to escape the chain...I walked up to the house, after being released from The Insane Asylum and she comes running to the front yard to greet me. After last night's fight to get her in the house, while leaving the ball outside, I wasn't surprised to see she had the ball in her mouth again. I played with her and petted her until I had to leave, poor Abbey, I felt so bad leaving her chained up outside :(. Good thing her owners are back. :)

I still spend any free time I have talking to Aric. He texed me earlier saying he would be back in a bit because "Dinner is being obstinate" I had the image of Aric chasing a chicken around the kitchen, trying to get it into the cooking pot. I don't even know if that's what he is eating, whatever it is, it appears to still be alive.

I might be busy, but I still have time to unwind. I have one of my favorite books, oranges, a cat on my bed and a family who loves me...now I just need to print off that Bible Study worksheet...

Weekend

2010-10-02T07:47:00.000-07:00

There is no better feeling than sleeping in on Saturday morning. Cozy bed and finding you have a book to read on the nightstand. (Yes, Tristin, I'm reading it) It gets better in the winter, when the rest of the room is cold and the bed is toasty warm. You can stay in there all you want and there is no reason to get up. The weekends are awesome.

Tristin came over last night, we met at the school and went to our favorite chocolate store. We talked about our plans for Halloween a bit and the fall festival out town does every year. Back at the house, we hung out in my room and goofed around. Tristin gave me some advice for one of my stories (which was very useful) and then we played with dragon toys and threw little egg and rabbit launcher thingys at each other. Later we ate pizza and watched "The Iron Giant" then got on my computer afterwards. It was a lot of fun and I can't wait to hang out with Aric and Tristin next weekend! :)

2010-09-30T17:25:00.000-07:00

It has been an eventful few days. Last night the internet decided to leave us ("Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"). This gave me time to curl up with my mother and listen to her read parts of what she would like to have made into a book. It was some of the best writing I have heard and puts most of my favorite authors to shame. The words flowed and formed magic pictures in my mind so realistic I could almost touch them. I wish I can write like that someday.

On an other point, I got to have blue hair today. It was crazy hair day at the asylum and one of my ward mates had temporary blue spray on hair dye. I let her spray the tip of my braid and strands of the braid. It was awesome to have blue hair for a day. I even got to go to the orthodontist's with blue hair, but I don't think I scared anyone too badly.

On the way back home we passed a KFC sign that had improper grammar: "70 years old 12 piece meal" That is the last time I eat there. The workers need to go back to third grade for English. Commas prevent food poison...

Tomorrow I get to hang out with Tristin after school. (YAY!) I can't wait for the weekend and now I have one more reason to hope the day at The Insane Asylum goes by faster.

Wesdnesday Quotes

2010-09-29T05:08:00.000-07:00

"I am a giant eye, waiting for your stories of niceness."
- Tristin

Brothers

2010-09-28T15:12:00.000-07:00

Today I had a surprise visit from my honorary brother, Tristin. It had been a long time since I had seen him and I was so happy lay eyes him. He had said he would not be coming up to "The Insane Asylum" since he has problems getting along with some of my ward mates. Nothing could have brightened my afternoon like seeing Tristin outside the door and grinning. That boy is like a ray of sunlight in a storm cloud. He would prefer to be called an assassin and he is one at times.

My second honorary brother, Aric, is at a scholar center in a far off town, but he sends me messages on what he is up to and gives me stories he has written. We spend a great deal of time talking online and have been able to keep our friendship growing in strength due to the wonders of the internet. We both would prefer to see each other off the net, but Aric can't come back to our hometown every weekend so we look forward to the time we get to hang out with each other and Tristin.

The third honorary brother is Aden. We hang out at church every Sunday and goof off in our youth class. He is am amazing artist and has his own ways of expressing his faith. I went to my first Christian rock concert with him and one of my buds from "The Insane Asylum" along with the rest of our youth group.

It is strange how I grew up with no brothers only to find I now have three that I treasure as much as my real sibling. These boys are my brothers in spirit and I wouldn't trade my memories with them for all the books in the world.

Homework

2010-09-27T18:54:00.000-07:00

Though I am grateful to have a study guide, I don't want to use it. I want to dive into a world all my own. A place where fairies play in the backyard, and nymphs splash in the creek. Dryads melt in and out of trees while elves wander through the ancient branches of the woods. A place where dragons hide their hoards under the rolling hills and hobbits tend to their gardens. I want to see dwarves metal working in the barn and unicorns running across the fields. I want to travel Middle Earth, walk with Aslan through the forests of Narnia. I want to fly to Neverland and battle pirates with the Lost Boys. Wander through Sherwood Forest whilst clad in green, and talk to giant snow leopards. I want to ride through the air on the back of a dragon. To enter a world where my close friends and I can save the kingdom from a tyrant and help place the rightful king on the throne. I don't want to study for this test, but I will, because I must. I will try to stay focus and not slip off to my fantasy world, though I long for the days I didn't have to be so grown up.